The Self Love Project Pt. 2
Breaking out of the Extremes
Magnetic Pull
Let’s break down the magnetic pull idea again. I came up with this once while talking to an AMAZING TFGG babe during Round 2, and it has always stuck with me as such a simple way to explain the extreme mentality that comes with so many of our self-hatred cycles.
Every magnet has two opposing charges (these are referred to as the north and south poles). I like to think of these poles as the most opposite of extremes in our own behaviour, but both with self-hating tendencies.
The north pole can be seen as our restrictive side. This is the side of ourselves that says things like “I’m starting on Monday and this time it’s for good!” Or “I’ll never eat junk food again, I’m serious this time.” It’s our side that punishes us in to extreme over training, and tries to under-eat in order to make up for past calories we feel guilty about.
The south pole can be seen as our hyper-gluttonous side. It’s the one that says “I ate 2 pieces of pizza so fuck it, might as well finish the entire XL box” or, “I’m going to eat and drink as much as I possibly can because who cares at this point” or, “there is no point in moving my body today because I already ate bad food so I’m writing off the rest of the week”.
Imagine we are living inside of a single magnet. We have both a north and a south pole… makes sense, right? So when a big magnet comes up to us and pulls us toward it with it’s south side, our north side immediately allows us to be pulled all the way over. But then an even bigger magnet shows up with it’s north side toward us and we are pulled over by our own south side!
I know this might be a lot to wrap your brain around, so read it through a few times if you need to! The point I’m trying to make here is that the further and harder we are pulled in one direction, the harder and faster we crash in the opposite direction. We end up living and existing only between these two extremes and never able to find a happy middle ground. So yes, breaking out of these two polarizing extremes is exactly what Part 2 is all about.
Actionables
1. Eliminating extreme language from your vocabulary. So here’s the deal: You don’t have to catch yourself on everything negative you say (just yet) but we have to start somewhere. This means that you need to cut yourself off or correct yourself each time you think or speak in EXTREME TERMS. Here are a few common examples:
“This time it’s for good”
“I’m going to eat until I’m sick”
“I’m writing off this day/week/month/year because…”
“I have to do extra cardio to make up for….”
“I will eat and train perfectly this week/month/anything”
2. No more hiding eating patterns. Whether we are restricting, binging, or doing anything else that we know is extreme tendency and not good for us, we tend to want to hide it. I will never forget when my mom suspected I had a binge eating problem. She brought it up in the most sensitive way, but I was so ashamed and honestly mortified that I’d been “caught”.
So here is what we need to focus on! No more hiding food (or hiding a lack of food) from our loved ones. Let’s try to eat with friends, parters, colleagues, and family members when it’s possible, and let’s start working on eliminating shame when it comes to what we eat! I used to never eat a cookie in front of my family because I was the “healthy fitness one” but then I would binge the entire container alone in my room at night. We need to start to realize that at the end of the day, no one is judging us for what we are eating as much as ourselves! And if they are, that’s something we will address soon because it is their issue and not yours.
3. Phone a friend. This ties in to what we just talked about! During Part 2 of this Project, I want you to phone a friend (or partner or family member) and make sure they are someone who makes you feel safe. Tell them a little bit about what you’ve been struggling with, and what you are working on overcoming. You don’t need to tell them everything if you don’t want to, but just let them know that it’s a big focus for you right now to improve the quality of your life and how you feel about yourself. Tell them that the first thing you are doing is eliminating extreme behaviours and trying to live in a more balanced way. Make a plan to check in with them once a week (in person, on the phone, however!) and let them know how you’re doing and feeling. Having someone there who cares and has an understanding as to what you are dealing with is going to make a big difference in this whole experience!
4. The Golden Rule. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again… If you can’t picture yourself doing something for the rest of your life, you shouldn’t be doing it.
So that pretty much sums up any extreme habit or behaviour, right? The thing is, we tell ourselves we are going to do these extreme things until we get to a place where we feel good and love ourselves… then we think we’ll take on a healthier, more balanced approach. The truth is though, that’s never going to happen. We need to cut ties with the extremes now. For good.
Move on to Part 3 when:
Move on to the next part once you have gone an entire week without binging, restricting, or any of your previous extreme habits. I know that this might be really hard, and it might take a few weeks to grasp. But that’s okay! Focus on the 4 actionables, take it one day at a time, and know that you’re doing what you need to break out of the extremes.
Josée: An introduction
Hi all you beautiful angels,
For those of you that don’t know me, I’m Josée and am the TFGG assistant coach. I’ve also recently taken the lead in growing our TFGG community, which means a ton of really cool opportunities connecting with likeminded women around the world. I’ve been doing The Fit Girl Gang workouts since the round one, and am now doing TFGG Perform.
Now, how did I get into fitness? I think that the first real thought I had about wanting to seriously get into fitness goes way back to this one night where my friend and I were sitting in her hot tub and talking about what it was we wanted to do with our lives. I remember telling her that I really wanted to be a personal trainer but I had no idea how to get there. At this time, I was in school for architecture, but I wasn’t passionate about it and I knew deep down that it wasn’t truly what I wanted to do.
I then started to “workout”. I say workout in quotations because honestly, I had NO idea what I was doing. I’d go to the gym do cardio and Instagram video workouts or try machines that I didn’t know how to use… which I think most of us can relate to as a first gym experience. Running had been my main focus for as long as I can remember. I started running track competitively for the University of Manitoba in my first year of university so my training then was heavily cardio based and full body training during strength and conditioning but way more structured and was learning the basics.
Fast forward a couple years, I joined the Aurea Fitness bootcamps and fell in love all over again. After that first bootcamp I knew this was EXACTLY what I wanted to do. I remember going home and going on my computer to look at how to become a personal trainer. From then on, I really made fitness/health and wellness my priority. I started training with Johanna which then lead to me starting to teach my own classes (which to this day is probably one of my proudest accomplishments) and to now having my own clients. There is nothing that makes me happier than getting to train the girls. This journey hasn’t been easy and some days are tougher than others, but I love it so much that it makes it all worth it.
While writing this post, I came to think about what it is about training that I love. I think that the thing I love most is that feeling of accomplishment after a workout, pushing through an exercise that you felt like you couldn’t finish and seeing your progress not only physically but in your performance and the way your body is able to move. You are the only person that can get yourself to workout and you are the only person that is able to will you to get through something, no matter how challenging it is. I feel like that’s what shows you how strong you are, mentally and physically.
So why did I get into fitness professionally? I did it because it was something I LOVED and wanted to do more than anything. It doesn’t matter what it is in life, if you want something and it is a dream of yours, never stop.
Love always,
Josée
The Self Love Project
Introduction
Who The Self Love Project was created for:
Right off the hop, I want to make sure you know that I didn’t create this for every woman in this community. This is actually the first piece of content that was created for a very specific group of you. The ones who can’t shake the self hate. The ones who feel it haunt them and follow them everywhere they go, and in everything they do. This one’s for you.
With that being said, there is valuable content in here for everyone! We can all benefit from implementing these practices into our lives, especially when we’ve gone through a particularly challenging period of time. If you are at a place of contentment and ease mentally, you should be so damn proud. Maybe you’ve always been someone who has lived in a good headspace in regards to who you are and what your body looks like, or maybe you’ve had to work for a long-ass time to get to the positive and accepting place that you are right now. Either way, please do whatever you can to remember that you deserve to maintain that sense of love and respect for yourself. If taking on this project is something you need right now, go for it! If you’re all good, that’s amazing and this will be here for you if/when you ever need it.
I want to create a list of the common descriptors of what it feels like to be in “Battle Mode”. From here on out, Battle Mode is what we will refer to being in the following state of mind:
Feeling as though you will only be able to love yourself (and will only deserve to love yourself) once you look a certain* way or weigh a very specific number on the scale.
This very specific image of yourself that you aspire toward and exists in your mind is usually based off of 2 major things:
“My ideal body” aka a version of yourself that existed in the past and was when you were your thinnest.
“The ideal body” aka images of women you have seen on Instagram, saved to your photos, and aspire to transform into.
Obsessing over your body to the point that it takes over other completely unrelated tasks. You have a hard time studying for exams or taking on work projects without obsessing over how you need to fix or transform your body in some way.
You constantly find yourself comparing yourself to other women. You stare at their bodies in an unhealthy way, either wanting to look like them, or unfairly and often cruelly judging them.
You will cancel plans because you don’t want to be seen by people, and constantly fear being judged while at the gym, the store, or really anywhere you go in public.
You frequently bring up how much you hate your body or “how disgusting you feel” in conversations with the people you love. This typically applies to extroverts in Battle Mode, but can sometimes be be a habit of introverts too.
You stare into the mirror with disgust. Whether you are fully clothed or fully naked, you’re picking yourself apart completely.
You feel like changing your body is the solution to all of your problems. If you had a better body you would be happier, wealthier, funnier, and people would like you so much more.
You fantasize about waking up in your “dream body” one day, and you swear you would never take it for granted if it happened.
How The Self Love Project Works:
Bottom line: It works however you need it to. This isn’t something with a deadline, or even a time line. This was developed to help you learn to love yourself and accept yourself, and there is no “right amount of time” it’s going to take to do that.
There are 7 major parts to this Project, and you’ll receive 2 of them along with your training Blocks every 2 weeks. Now this isn’t to say that you need to do an entire part each week, it might take you three weeks for each part and that is completely and totally okay! The point of this Project is to make a structural shift in your thoughts, habits, and behaviours, and only you are going to know when you are ready to continue on your journey to the next step.
Disclaimer:
I am not a therapist, a psychologist, or a magician. I cannot promise that this Project will cure you forever from your inner demons. What I am is a girl who has battled these demons herself - for longer than I would like to admit. I am also someone who has had the incredible fortune of sitting down and gaining insight into the minds and internal battles of hundreds of women. I have seen the pain and the struggle that so many of you have faced time and time again. Somehow these struggles are so painfully unique, but eerily similar at the exact same time.
I have decided to use what I have to give you a pathway that will hopefully lead you out of the darkness that you are so used to being consumed by. The hard truth is, that unless you decide that your own mental health and happiness is worth fighting for, nothing I or anyone else creates is going to matter. This is all about knowing the life you are worthy of living, and making it yours.
Part 1: Acknowledgement and Awareness
Like I discuss in the video, we can’t make positive or permanent change until we choose to become fully aware of our own habits, triggers, and cycles. The mean girl in your head who tears you down 24/7 might just seem like white noise at this point because you’re so used to hearing her! We need to stop shoving down the negativity and continuously avoiding the way that we feel. Stuffing out the noise and refusing to confront what you are dealing with is only going to compound the problem and allow you to fall deeper into your negative patterns.
The following actionables might be challenging, but they are the key to coming face to face with your own demons.
Actionables
The following points need to be written down in your journal or computer on the first day that you decide to begin Part 1. You don’t need to journal every day in this Project, but you do need to have this stuff in writing to refer back to.
Where am I at right now? How have I been feeling overall in my life? Yes, this can be generic, but it’s important to identify the areas that you have been feeling good about and the areas you’ve been struggling with. Try to cover all areas including body image, fitness, nutritional habits, relationships, career, and anything else that matters to you.
I want you to give yourself an overall score out of 10 when it comes to how you feel about each category you write down. Here is the hard part: YOU CANNOT USE THE NUMBER 7. Research has shown that as humans we rate something as 7/10 (or 70%) when we feel it isn’t good or bad. Any categories that fall into 6/10 or lower need to be your primary focus throughout this project. Anything that you write down as 8/10 or higher are areas where you are killing it, and don’t need to be a major priority to improve on right now!
2. What does my self-talk sound like? What are the kinds of things I say to myself? Make sure to write each of your major lines/sayings/comments to yourself out as accurately as possible and be honest with yourself.
3. What are my triggers? Yes, I realize that trigger might be the most overused word lately, but it does have important meaning. What are the things that happen or the things people say, that cause you to fall into a negative downward spiral? This can be a spiral of negative self-talk, binge-eating, restricting, drinking, or any other patterns you fall in to.
4. What does my cycle look like? As I spoke about in the video, we each have our own unique “Darkness Cycle”. This is a pattern of events, thoughts, and actions, that is repeated over and over. In order to break the cycle, we need to acknowledge what it is from beginning to end.
Example: The following is a very personal example of what my cycle used to be when I was at the lowest place in my life. It is difficult to share, but I want to give you a real-life idea of what this often looks like.
Monday morning:
Wake up bloated, so puffy I couldn’t get my pants on, sad, and dreading the week ahead.
Monday afternoon:
Create a new “plan” that I would for sure follow “for good”. This plan always involved under eating, hyper-training (excessive cardio was 95% of my training at the time), and TONS of social media scrolling to help myself stay “on it” and “motivated”…. This literally just mean’t staring at other women’s bodies to shame me into continuing what I was doing.
Tuesday - Thursday morning:
Continue what I did on Monday
Thursday Evening:
I should give context that during the 6-month period of time (approximately) that this went on for, I didn’t ever work or have class during the day Friday. I’m not sure why, but Thursday was always my “fun night of drinking”. This mean’t drinking too much, binge eating, making extremely poor choices with an ex, and waking up feeling AWFUL.
Friday - Sunday:
Binge, binge, binge, and speak horribly to myself.
Monday morning:
…you get the idea here.
Daily Practice
Each day during Part 1 (however long that may be) your only job is awareness & acknowledgement. NOTICE when you begin to shit talk yourself. NOTICE when you feel triggered. NOTICE when you fall into a Darkness Cycle and what the affect that pattern has on your life is. If you feel something that makes you sad or uncomfortable, immediately pause and try to recognize why you feel that way or what led you to say something cruel to yourself. This might sound so simple, but before we make any changes what so ever it is ESSENTIAL to be as conscious as possible of our own mindsets.
You can go back and add to your previously journaled comments as often as you like. All that I ask is that you don’t back down and try to stuff out the pain you are feeling. If you feel something, recognize it, and if you notice a new pattern, make sure to write it down! You’ve got this babe.
Move on to Part 2 when:
Move on to the next part once this becomes a routine for you. Once you are habitually catching yourself in your negative thoughts and actions, and you feel like you’re able to properly asses your own behaviour, you’re ready. This might take a week or it might take longer, and any amount of time is okay.
We Have a Blog
Hello you beautiful, wonderful people!
So here’s the deal:
Since launching The Fit Girl Gang one year ago, I am so incredibly proud of everything we have been able to do for the women in our community. We’ve been a platform for connection, provided content on pretty much every topic you can imagine, and an insanely badass network of supportive women. But here’s the thing, we don’t only want to be able to share and connect with the women who choose to be in TFGG, we want to be here for every woman.
As we evolve The Fit Girl Gang into it’s second year, my biggest goal is to be a platform and almost a mini “media outlet” for you to listen, read, learn, and be entertained. In order to do that, we are launching both a blog and a podcast that we are pretty fucking excited about.
Blog posts won’t just be written by me, or even just our TFGG Team. Our vision for this blog is to create a space where women who specialize in every area of health, fitness, beauty, entrepreneurship, and wellness can share what they specialize in and give thoughtful advice on how we can all learn to better ourselves and the quality of our lives a little bit at a time. You guys hear enough from me, and while I do have things to share (and will obviously be one of our contributors!) I want to learn from women with different stories, backgrounds, and experiences that have shaped them into the successful, capable, and incredible people that they are.
Our vision for The Fit Girl Gang is no-bullshit female community. We are going to acknowledge that no one is perfect, we don’t all want to eat freaking kale 24/7, and that life is literally the furthest thing from a curated IG feed. You are going to hear from women who are still learning and growing, and fuck up all the time; but are working to become better versions of themselves every day.
I am so happy to be bringing you babes this blog, and we want to make it as valuable to you as humanly possible! Please tell us WHAT & WHO you want to hear about and hear from.
Love you lots fam.
xx Jo